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None of us dream of becoming a divorce statistic. We

don’t stand at the altar on our wedding day and envision years of

mediocrity, anger and loneliness, followed by a messy court battle

and shared custody. We want to live the fairy tale. We dream of

a future filled with wedded bliss, obedient children and unending

romance. We want it all. Brian and Vicki Munday were no exception.

Their not-so-perfect story began 19 years ago. There was no sense

at the beginning that anything was wrong. In fact, the early years were

good. But about a decade down the road, they began to drift.

Brian describes their experience: “We were existing. I just

thought this was a typical marriage. This is how it works. I didn’t

know any different.”

Like most couples, communication (or a lack of) played a

significant role. Vicki felt isolated. “I was emotionally lonely.

I couldn’t freely go to Brian and talk about things that were

bothering me.”

With brutal honesty, Brian admits, “I knew in the back of my

mind what she needed. Maybe I just didn’t want to put in the effort.

I didn’t know how to communicate my needs and I didn’t know how

to listen to her needs. Defensiveness

was my default position.”

Vicki relates, “He would shut

me out. I had nowhere to go with my

feelings, so I just held them inside.”

Over time, church became a

sticky subject. Brian harbored anger

toward God over his mother’s

death. Vicki desperately wanted to

attend church as a couple, but Brian

seemed to find excuses for not going. She recalls lonely memories

of sitting in church watching other couples holding hands. Vicki

envied her friends who appeared to have wonderful relationships.

She grieved what was lost.

In April 2008, Brian wounded Vicki in a way that she didn’t

believe could heal. She had prayed for his heart for years, but his

actions cut too deeply. Vicki states it very directly. “I was done.”

She told Brian she wanted a separation.

Brian came to Woodmen’s Pastoral Care department as a

broken man. He desperately wanted to know how he could restore

his relationship with Vicki. For the first time, he was able to

honestly look at his behavior and see how it impacted his family.

Brian considered, “Look at what you’re going to lose. Is it

worth it?” That night, he fell on his knees and prayed, “I can’t do

this without you, God.”

Brian and Vicki had some difficult discussions in the days that

followed. He asked her for a chance to be the man God wanted

him to be. Four days later, they came to Pastoral Care as a couple.

Something had changed. Vicki commented that day, “We’ve never

had this honesty in our marriage.”

As their counseling progressed, they were introduced to

people in the Men’s and Women’s Ministries who were able to

speak truth into their lives. The radical transformation in their

relationship was unexpected and disorienting.

Vicki talks about the change in her own heart. “For the first

time I saw God’s unfailing love. It helped change my mind about

Brian. I realized that God’s unfailing love was not just for me. It

was for Brian as well.”

Brian would never claim that this change was painless. “God

must have a broken 2x4 on his mantle because that’s what he

hit me with.” During that time, Brian began to keep a journal.

He poured his heart out on those pages, feelings of desperation,

helplessness and brokenness. Brian now carries that journal in his

briefcase. It is a constant reminder of how close he came to losing

everything he loves. Vicki calls it nothing less than a miracle. She had

prayed for this for years. “I saw the chains released. I saw more

tenderness in him. He listened. He devoted time to me. I felt

cared for, important, needed. I had a voice.”

Brian observes, “Every couple has problems. What is critical

is how you respond to those problems. We have consciously

decided that we will respond, not react, to each other. We work on

our relationship every day. Healing is an everyday choice.”

They have learned to ask questions—lots of questions. Now

when (not if) they encounter conflict, they ask each other a very key

question: “What did you just hear me say?” It often turns out that

what the other heard was very different than what was intended.

For the first time, they feel they are speaking the same language.

Just as cancer survivors can tell of coming back from

something that could have destroyed them, Brian and Vicki see

themselves as marriage survivors. They have looked divorce full in

the face and lived to tell about it. Their desire now is to help others

who may think their marriage is terminal. With complete honesty,

Vicki can proclaim, “This journey was well worth it if God uses

us to help someone else.” Brian and Vicki are now mentors in

Woodmen’s premarital class.

At their lowest point, Vicki told her husband that he had

burned her soul. Beauty from ashes is not a cliché to her. It is

the truth of God’s power. Leaning forward, she states with deep

conviction. “God can change anyone.”

Brian smiles. “So true. The question is, do you want to change?”

On October 4, 2008 Brian, along with their son Kyle, was

baptized at Woodmen Heights to publicly proclaim his trust in

the God who redeems.

 

 “In your unfailing love, you will lead

the people you have redeemed.”

Exodus 15:13 NIV

KEVIN FELDOTTO WOODMENJOURNAL.COM | 29